The Princess and the Peanis
by Sooky-babi
Summary: Queen Tsunade bets that her adopted son Sasuke who seem uninterested in girls is impotent, King Jiraiya bets he is homosexual. The answer is determined when a sudden blonde stranger pops by the castle caught lurking outside the Prince's bedroom.[one shot]


**The Prince(ss) and the Pea(nis)**

**Warning:** Evil schemes that women create, boy x boy a lot of weird humor.

**Disclaimers:** Kishimoto owns Naruto's sexcy mouth watering behind.

Ahoy,

Before reading this I hope you have some basic knowledge about the fairy tale originally titled the princess and the pea. But hey yaoi fanfics can be understood easily ) This is my first attempt on … humor hopefully its errr funny… It's quiet OC and because it's a one-shot there's not too much character development but u have to marvel at my first one-shot humor

Much love to all

-sookybabi

* * *

Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom of Konoha created by one of our beloved Naruto obsessive perverted fan fiction authors, there lived a King who was rarely on his throne and a Queen with bosoms large enough to be mistaken for a lady selling watermelons, and their very hot eligible and somewhat cold adopted son, Prince Sasuke. Luckily for him, the prince was gracefully accepted by the people of the kingdom, never suffered from any sinister assassination attempts or tangled himself in conspiracies as this hot eligible and somewhat cold prince was also a drop-dead bishounen. So no one really minded that he was adopted. However, the prince did nothing to learn how to run the kingdom instead he spent much of his time locked up in his room. This of coarse was no concern for his carefree parents who where sure he was just in his room playing with the royal balls. There was no concern whether the prince will refuse his royal duties, "After all," said a citizen to one another, "the Prince will eventually marry one day. All he needs is the right sort of Princess to get him to shape up." 

Sadly, all efforts to find Prince Sasuke a suitable Princess to marry had so far been in vain. Many princesses of age, pedigree, grace and beauty were introduced to him but all flicked them away like fleas off his perfectly curved youthful body. His interest was never aroused by these desperate beautiful girls who wished they could tame and ride him. This lead to the manifestation rumors among the great kingdom which spread like wild fire to the bordering lands. Until every one, even the cat licking itself on the windowsill knew that the gorgeous Prince of Konoha could possibly be a homosexual.

Queen Tits entered the morning sunlight throne room with an ultra rare concerned face. Her usual beautiful sexual aura was replaced by a stagnant black shadow, her expression graying a fair pretty face. Even the freshly picked flowers occupying the vase next to her shriveled and dissected beside her. Cockroaches fled into to the covers of furniture in safety. Silently trailing the darken spirit was her personal maid; Shizune who was bending over so low you'd think her back was broken.

"Nee, Shizune. Where's the ecchi-hermit?" chewed the Queen as she placed her shapely ass into a crested jeweled and cushioned chair.

"Hai!" The poor maids' eyes enlarging to the size of a dinner plate her back stiffened. Queen Tsunade in a bad mood was something to be feared.

"I believe our King is surveying the kingdom as we speak," Shizune tried to cover for her leader.

Queen Tsunade flared her nostrils frowning.

_Surveying my ass_ she thought to her self then looked back to the shivering maid who was looking at her with so much terror.

"Send someone to catch him; he will most likely be near the onsen."

At that very moment outside the throne room there was a loud sneeze that blew through the grand corridors. Expectantly, another rare sight appeared. The old king Jiraiya paced into the room rubbing his nose.

"Someone talking about me?" he looked with a flat pair of eyes. Moving towards his glorious gold lounge like throne next to his very sensual looking wife.

"What's got you so dark, _my dear_," the king prodding on Tsunades very stinky mood.

"Our brat, _my dear_" emphasizing her annoyance she reached to grab a bunch of her hair in frustration.

"Whose precious daughter was it this time?" he chuckled on behalf of his son.

"King Haruno's daughter. Sakura." She grabbed the arms of her seat digging her nails in.

Jiraiya lifted an eyebrow.

"Pink hair, big forehead?"

Tsunade nodded.

"Sasuke manage to somehow turn the poor Hime into a suicidal maniac two minutes after I left her to greet him last night."

"Is she dead yet."

"She would be if we didn't tie her up. She kept running into the wall banging her head repeatedly, saying "I'll make it small"." Tsunade voice spoke like it was puzzled itself.

"When one of our sensei's calmed her down and asked her what happen, the girl replied that "he kept looking at my forehead with those damn sexy eyes of his" of coarse I thought that this was good news at first I mean it's the first time he has looked at any female. But I realized that our son is actually really damn picky even though he has never shown it."

"So he doesn't like big foreheads?" Jiraiya whipped out a booklet from the curtains of his robes jotting down yet another amazing discovery whilst the Queen tapped her fingers in thought.

"I reckon our sons sexual preference might waver from the norm." Jiriaya suggested as he flipped through his booklets of notes. (N.B: there's more then simple notes in there buddies lol). Who wouldn't conclude this? After all how can one refuse so many fresh Hanas that literally throw their bodies to be deflowered by Prince Sasuke. The thought sent a trickling red trial from one nostril.

It was immediately joined by another trial of crimson red after his Queen subconsciously feeling he was behaving un-king like punished him with her fist.

"That was uncalled for." The king glared at his smug wife.

"I think Sasuke might be impotent."

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

He soothed his stomach that was stinging with pain from his laughter.

(N.B: Remember Jiraiya goes around here and there perving on who knows what)

With an irritated expression the Queen puffed.

"Fifty bucks that he is straight and impotent" her bid earned a smack on the forehead from her maid.

Old habits never die.

"One hundred, he's gay and very potent." Raised the King

Shizune couldn't believe her ears; the poor prince was going to be the subject of such abnormal activities between the leaders of Konoha not to forget his own parents.

"Deal"

Suddenly Tsunade stood up and paused for a mere second.

"I've made my final decision!" she declared her mood lightening, two pairs of surprised eyes looked at her.

"The next princess who walks into this castle, I don't even care whether she's pretty or not will marry our son!"

The cockroaches gasped, Jiraiya and Shizune's jaw dropped to the ground.

Turning evilly at her audience her eyes verged, into glimmering slivers that sent an eerie unease through their spines. Clenching one fist she raised it directly punching her other palm.

"Leak this out to the general public my sweets and I'll make sure you will pay."

They huddled together crouched on the ground.

"Yes, M'am!"

* * *

Not long after Tsunade ordered her servants to set up camp in front of the drawbridge. 

The queen was personally going to welcome her daughter in law.

She waited…

With a few intervals of scratching her back several times.

…and waited.

…and waited till it was in the late afternoon growing ever so bored.

Looking around she spotted Shizune who was sitting a distance from her holding a bouquet of flowers and a gorgeous bridal gown ready to go.

The Queen motioned to her loyal servant.

With a ghastly zombie like expression she queried.

"Where…Where are the pretty shoujos? You know the usual endless line of girls that mock our castle?"

Shizune felt a sweat drop emerging from her head.

"Tsunade-sama, word got out last night that Sasuke was an incarnation of an evil demon that has hypnotized girls to their deaths."

The Queen wasn't surprised.

She was annoyed.

"Chii, okay ladies time to pack it up looks like our princess won't be coming today." She bounced out of her recliner and stomped back into the castle.

Oh she wanted to win this bet so much.

The night turned in bringing a sudden change in weather that was not foreseen.

Thunder crackled outside, the wind blew through every nook and cranny.

Queen Tsunade hated thunderstorms. They made her awfully uncomfortable so she stayed up in her study reading "How to ensure a happy forced marriage." Tsunade was bickering to herself about the quality of authors when suddenly the captain of the royal guards brashly entered the room roughly pushing a disheveled, soaking wet cloaked figure.

"Your Sexiness!" the captain announced grabbing the figures arm drawing it behind its back. "I found this person lurking around the Princes quarters!"

The Queen got up from her seat, intrigued by the interruption.

(N.B: that's how she wants to be addressed one of the kinks of being a queen lolsweatdrops)

"Hey, watch what you're doing to my delicate royal skin unless you want me to punch you," cursed the hidden face.

Tsunade eyes lit up, her heart fluttering.

_Could it be…_ she thought_…one of Sasuke's stalker fan girls …and a royal…a princess with a personality that she liked…it was a dream come true. _

The captain looked surprisingly at his Queen. She had not ordered him to confine the trespasser instead her highness raised her hand to shoo him away. Obeying he loosened his grip and the strange immediately yanked his arm away. Bowing silently the guard left the two in the study.

"Hmph"

Tsunade made her way to the mysterious cloaked figure…

Then it occurred to her…

Why would a royal wear a cloak…

_Maybe she has some kind of deformity. _

Raising her hand towards the hood, the Queen prepared herself for a third eye or a nipple that was growing on its face.

With one gentle pull the face was exposed. The wet material plummeted to the ground.

Tsunade's jaw dropped …

_Kawaii…_

Looking up at her was a treasure amongst the bishoujos of all the kingdoms placed together the sight made the older women blush.

(N.B: use your imagination here lol. Tsunade is seeing a human version of Puss in Boots from Shrek ( u kno the dilated eyes the uber cuteness lol))

The prettiest proportioned sun kissed angel face with eyes an attractive as a pure blue sky. The girl was crowned with a crystal tiara that was slopping a little sideways in her golden hair, her face decorated with whiskers making her look like a kitten. She was even wearing a slightly drenched peachy Kimono a very short one that just managed to cover her buttocks…

"Oi, Obaa-san." The voice interrupted her trial of thought, "Stop drooling on my face would you, plus I don't do old women."

Tsunade immediately snapped out of her trace wiping of her saliva with the back of her hand.

The Queen retraced the rude behavior.

_What did she just call me! _But the generous Queen shrugged off the comment the child didn't know who she was.

Grasping the young femme firmly on shoulders asked her the only question that would validate the marriage.

"Are you really a princess?" Tsunade had a twisted evil grin evolving on her red lips.

"Yes…I'm a **Prince-**ss, well I mean. I am when I need to be" replied the blonde.

Tsunade stood a little confused.

"My kingdom has fallen under a stupid curse that my pathetic half-sister meddled with some fairies and brought our castle down into eternal sleep. The only way to free them is to get a Prince to kiss her. But the castle is riddled with beast that prevent it from ever happening"

Intrigued by the child's fate, Tsunade nodded for her to continue.

(N.B: at this point Tsunade thinks that the stranger is the child of a second wife thus she isn't considered the "real" princess coz of the half sister comment)

"Damn it do you know how costly it is to hire Princes to plunge into their deaths, at first there would be some heroic ones who did it for honor but a brave prince is rare. So far I've been a princess so I could get the funds to hire idiots so I can wake my sister up and beat her to a bloody pulp"

"You poor thing, masquerading for dirty men to earn the money to save your kingdom," sweeping the shivering girl into a hug mashing her giant melons into her face.

"Have you come to request my son, Prince Sasuke to assist you?"

_She must want to marry into our family for money or ask my son to save her sister… _

Tsunade had a sudden realization that her daughter in law could be brought by money… an evil scheme entered her mind. She wanted this girl in her family so much it instantly became an unnatural obsession. (Inner Tsunade: Muahahahahahaha uber cute grandkids… oh oh my hot son plus this cute thing equates to the most beautiful beings that can be created)

Gasping for air the blonde pushed the protective arms off her.

"Well yes, see I've heard that Prince Sasuke was a queer."

"If he was ever one, which I really doubt he is he would certainly turn straight once he lays his eyes on you."

"Eh? He probably doesn't like my type?" The blonde sighed, her shoulders rolling down in disappointment.

Tsunade wondered what triggered such a response she studied the blonde from head to toe…perfection…all but the chest department.

_I guess even angel like beings have imperfections._ Poor girl was beyond under developed compared to Tsunade.

"I guess I'll be leaving." Turning to take her leave, Tsunade quickly grabbed her arm.

The Queens fingers tucking pieces of paper into a sleeve of the younger girl. (N.B: money money lol)

The blonde paused.

"I told you I don't do old women."

"Not me, entertain my Son Sasuke. Stay until you are convinced that he is not attracted to you."

"What's your name my dear child?"

"Naruto" she almost purred.

"Naruto-Hime," it rolled off Tsunades tongue.

"I'll allow you to bathe in my bedchambers wait here my maid will guide you soon" The Queen left, grinning victoriously.

* * *

"Hey, Oujisan! Wake up." Tsunade rocked her snoring husband furiously. 

"Young maiden you should wear some clothes!" murmured through the lips.

King Jiraiya just managed to wake up before his face was crush.

Rubbing his eyes he looked meekly at his wife's ecstatic face.

"I found our princess!" she exclaimed.

"Liar, You couldn't have. I mean err you didn't," he cursed himself nearly giving out the fact that he had earlier passed a rumor about his son being possessed to win their wager.

"I did! And she's one mighty babe might I say. Our ancestors would be so proud of us!" she jumped off the bed with glee.

"How do I know that she's not just some random girl you've picked to parade as a princess so she can screw our son so you can win?" provoked the King. He wasn't going to let Tsunade win the bet so easily, for Tsunade is a very scheming lady and something smells fishy about her discovery of a new princess.

"Hmmm…" she greased at Jiraiya.

Scratching her head in thought…he did have a point there…

Then the white mane man spoke up.

"I know" he smirked.

Tsunade opened her mouth…

"The magical pea?" she gasped. She obviously knew that the magic pea would prove that her catch was a real princess! For only a true Princess would be sensitive enough to feel a single pea through twenty mattresses and twenty quilts.

"Wait till I kick your sorry ass Jiraiya!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Naruto had finished her relaxing bath. After a weird maid guided her to a very tranquil royal chamber belonging to who he supposed was the Queen. 

Emptying out the tub of jasmine scented water, she made her way to reach the dry clothes that were prepared for her. A magnificent lilac kimono decorated with silver clouded threads.

Probably a family heirloom she thought to herself when she wrapped it around her.

There was a soft knock on the door.

"Excuse me Naruto-Hime, I've come to assist you in preparing."

The blonde needed a hand with tying her sash before his obi.

Popping from behind the changing screen she motioned the maid to aid her.

"Naruto-Hime, I think you're very pretty. Prince Sasuke will definitely fall in love with you."

The blonde smiled. _Easy money…_

"Do you have any scissors or something sharp?" the blonde spoke to the maid for the first time.

Surprised at the request the maid patted her pockets checking for the shape object then cleverly removed her hair pin.

"Mmm…this would do." Naruto looked at the maid nodding to her when taking the pin away.

Holding the pin rather peculiarly the blonde aimed it towards herself Shizune stood in shock…

_Oh my kami…is she trying to suicide? _

"Chot-to…!"

Poor Shizune's worries were relieved when she found out that the princess was only stabbing the material of the kimono…

_Wait, what...is she doing…_

There was a very piercing ripping of valuable material. When it ended Shizune found her self looking at a very cute girl in the shortest Kimono's she's ever seen.

"Okay, I'm ready."

_If Prince Sasuke doesn't fall for you he must have a libido of a potato…_

_

* * *

_

"Ara, Tou-san, Ga-san! What's the meaning of this?" The Prince demanded from his parents as he watched servants scurry in and out of his room piling mattresses and quilts in a huge pile in his chamber. There was at least twenty of each piled up sky high the servant then brought in a ladder leaning it against the monstrosity.

Prince Sasuke was pissed off even when he was peed he was still a mouth watering piece of steak. He was topless only wearing his lower under garments.

"Put some clothes on son you have a visitor." Demanded Tsunade as she picked up his breeches and an over coat bearing the Konoha emblem.

"At this hour? You must be senile." He cursed obeying his mother moving into a smaller closest room wondering where the correlation was between having mattresses in his room and a visitor.

"Did you retrieve it?" Tsunade asked a servant.

"Yes, My Queen." A trusty servant lifted up a cushion gather with years of dust.

HAchooo!

Jiraiya sneezed as he removed a case that rested on the cushion. Turning to Tsunade who than carefully lifted up the lid of the case. A burst of light emitted then faded.

Quickly removing the precious pea from its resting place Tsunade slotted the vegetable underneath the mountain.

_Morning will bring her triumph _she chuckled.

* * *

Shizune lead the beauty to the Sasuke-sama's bedchamber. 

"Dear Hime, I 've been instructed to tell you that you will be spending the night in his quarters but do not fear for Prince Sasuke is not the type to impose himself on girls. We have prepared a bed for you next to his so you can rest well."

The blonde nodded.

Entering with her head down as Shizune opened her lord's door.

Hearing the soft click the blonde looked up.

To her surprise Naruto found a very…attractive man sitting on a lounge that was placed at the foot of his bed…turning slightly to analyze the room she saw…

_What the hell is that pile…_

The maid did say they prepared a bed for her … but … that was an understatement…

Feeling eyes digging into his skin rather rudely he glared at the pre-paid customer.

However the Prince wasn't digging … he was absorbing…

_Fuck…I'm attracted to this witch_

The raven-haired handsome bishounen was totally captivated by… the Hime's sex appeal. God she radiated it like the sun. Her lithe slightly tanned legs, fine aristocrat looks, gorgeous figure and those blue eyes that his own darks eyes were getting lost in. And that short Kimono that teased any onlookers…

(N.B: Sasuke refers to Naruto as a witch coz who the hell would be so important to get himself waken up 2 am at night)

Naruto bared her teeth.

Being straight forward she spat.

"Boc-chan, how do you want it? Me on top or you on bottom?"

Sasuke choked.

_What did she just say… _

Sasuke had a feeling that this girl weren't like the others that went ga-ga and horribly irritating over him.

"Okay fine if you're not coming I'm going to come to you," she shouted.

_Is this girl normal…_

_Oh my Kami. Mother trapped me in here with one of my Sex crazed stalkers_

"Hey, look I have no interest in you. Why don't you leave?" Sasuke got of his bed and started to move towards Naruto.

"I heard that you liked men," prompted the blonde

"Exactly so why don't you leave…princess?"

Forcefully grabbing her wrist Prince Sasuke tugged open..tug…Tug…

_Damn door! Some one locked them in. _

Pushing the princess rather roughly aside so she impacted onto the ground Sasuke used both hands to yank the door.

No luck.

He turned around to find that the princess's overly short kimono had ridden up her smooth thigh…wanting to apologize for the rough treatment until he realized…

_She _had something a _she _shouldn't have.

"You're a guy?" exclaimed the dark prince his eyes bursting open his nose opening like a tap. Impossible…he had never seen such a beautiful male in his life.

"Ouch, you know if you wanted to play rough you'll have to pay me more."

"Nani!"

The blonde rolled his eyes. Pulling Sasuke who still had the frozen expression of shock painted on his face to sit on the bed. Spending some time to explain what exactly happened.

His mother's foolish mistake of identifying Naruto as a princess was a blessing.

To Sasuke's relief he was glad that the princess was of male gender. He was especially un eased by the fact that he felt his sexual preference wading to another side.

"Princess Naruto."

He was starting to take a liking to the blonde who was still near naked.

"Don't be cocky" (N.B: pun intended)

Sasuke felt his member arouse underneath his breeches.

The blonde looked into Sasuke's dark eyes.

Sasuke glanced into the daze.

"You know you're the first guy that **I **actually want to be fucked by," he smiled.

"Welcome to our fair land," his pre-paid lover purred, "my dear Princess"

As Sasuke leant down on the blonde he was stopped with two hands covering his lips.

"Full payment first." demanded the princess.

Sasuke stiffened.

"Kidding," Naruto stuck out his tongue and giggled only to find his lips crushed by the Prince.

Sasuke could no longer resist watching those rose-petal lips, their owner whom he had fallen in love with on sight. He drew the lighter boy closer against his body, parting those tender lips with his tongue, feeling the tension of the princesses muscles soften as he was kissed breathless. Naruto nearly melted against the gentle arms as Sasuke cradled and kissed him, gently loved his soft lips and caressed his curious tongue.

"Stay with me" Sasuke whispered huskily when their lips finally parted, each panting soft breaths in time with the other.

"Convince me," retorted the Blonde. The two frantically removed their offending clothing.

Sasuke's lips moved to his bride-to-be blushing nipple, nibbling it lightly and sucking it earning subtle moan. Both started to wrestle on top the covers in a passionate tangle of bare limbs, bare bodies and hungry lips. Naruto's fingers clawed at Sasuke's warm skin as they ground together, skin to skin, and the Prince knew with a rush of forbidden delight as he drowned in the ecstasy of the blonde body.

Insatiable, the two rolled and rocked together, Naruto's arousal bumping against Sasuke's stomach, as Sasuke own thick, moist member brushed against the perfectly tanned skin of Naruto's thighs. Sasuke gasped calling softly the name of his beloved between hot, hard, wet kisses. "Your eyes as bright as the sun itself your face as delicate as..."

"Delicate, my ass," Naruto hissed, as he bucked up rough against the Prince. "Screw me." He beckoned as he wrapped his perfect, silk-skinned thighs around Sasuke's waist, eagerly craving for his member.

The bed shook as the Prince claimed his Princess's entrance in one clean hard thrust, repeating the action over and over. Accelerating his thrusts until he could hear his princesses whimpers.

He dove deep, hard, and Naruto matched every thrust with a needy arch of his body. Naruto only clutched Sasuke's hips with his legs and kept his lover's cock buried deep inside him. Maneuvering the blonde rose up above his prince and thrust himself down onto Sasuke's cock, riding him with ease.

All night they made love, each new kiss, each new position they tried only made them crave each other more and more. It was only as the sun began to rise and the blistering light of daybreak; did the couple collapsed entwined together on top of sweat soaked sheets. Naruto was filled with Sasuke's seed his faced flushed where his body shared some bruises and scratches from their activities.

Turning his pretty face to look at a peacefully sleeping Prince the blonde decided…

_Screw you sister you stay asleep forever… I've found my prince…_

He shifted his aching body to whisper into the Prince's ear.

"I'll stay Mr. Cocky."

* * *

Shizune was the one who unlocked the door, finding her Prince and Princess rather…beaten up? 

When the couple made their entrance to the throne room that morning, Princess Naruto found it unusually hard to walk without limping. Being guided to a seat, she immediately winced at the stinging sensation that radiated from her bottom. Her face was in need of sleep, the angelic aura had faded slightly compared against what Queen Tsunade had last seen yesterday. Prince Sasuke appeared gloomy and dark squinting at the bright lights, but since Tsunade and Jiraiya had left a rather pissed Sasuke with a beautiful stranger last night they don't blame him. Queen Tsunade secretly ran her eyes over Naruto-Hime's body noticing several bruises and red marks all over her neck and arms.

"My child, you look like you've stayed up all night, Did my Son not accept your company?" exclaimed the Queen eternally happy that she had won. She darted a smug look towards her husband.

"Of coarse I didn't, and your son was sincere" retorted the blonde. "There was something in my bed that kept poking me all night, especially my butt I couldn't even sleep."

Sasuke nearly passed out, his knee buckling.

Tsunade glanced at her son's reaction.

_Ha! Jiraiya our little brat isn't gay!_

"Princess Naruto, you are Prince Sasuke's new bride!" announced Tsunade who quickly called in the royal court to spread the news.

Sasuke eyed Naruto smiling like a love sick puppy.

Then he nodded to his father who had the oddest "I know something you don't know" expression as he tried not to laugh at his poor mislead wife.

King Jiraiya couldn't wait to expose their new son-in-law.

* * *

Hi there beautifuls, 

Eh this was shocking I really rushed the ending. Gomen Gomen. It was so hard trying to remember that i'm refering to Naruto as a she kami damn it Please lol for "constructive" crititism tell me whether I should not attempt to write humor…coz I think I don't really have a nak for it. But hey I tried. This one-shot was fun to do … it's weird coz I 've never done one before or a humor one. So please if you enjoyed it if you hated it feel free to spam me and spam me realy good.

Love

Sooky


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